feedback

WWW

• There are some good points, quotes and theories in here, but nowhere near enough and your lacking an overall argument

EBI

• Your lack of research is keeping you at level3 and the only way to improve this through reading and adding more quotes
• There is no clear argument running through the essay, what is your point?
• very little focus on Topboy, I think we might need to alter the question
• Poor written English is holding you back. You are struggling to offer formal academic language (Tone/style)

The level I will be aiming for in my second task will be a level 3, I think this is equivalent to a B

Five things I will do or change for my second draft that will help me get there 

• I am feeling to alter my question so that my research will match my essay more, this will make my points that I have created more accurate.
• I am planning to write in more formal and better English to improve my essay grade, I noticed that that I made many clumsy mistakes with my vocabulary making sound less formal and less academic.
• I will be adding more research to my essay so I can add more footnotes and increase the size of my bibliography because there wasn't enough information.
• I am going to link every point I make back to Topboy because I didn't show a lot of contrast before in my past essay
• Finally I am going to introduce my quotes correctly and use the right content of punctuation, to make sure that my sentence structure is correct.  

Write a minimum three-point 'wish list' for the BFL Library trip - what do you specifically want to take away from the BFL in terms and issues, theories or particular sections of your essay

• I would like to find more quotes that relate and link well with Topboy, to improve my paragraphs in each part of my essay 
• I am looking to find some good historical text within the representations of black males in the past, this will help me improve my 3rd paragraph in my essay 
• Looking for any representations for Desmonds 
• Gerorge Gerbner - Cultural Theory 
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