- There are some good points, quotes and theories in here, but nowhere near enough and your lacking an overall argument
- Your lack of research is keeping you at level3 and the only way to improve this through reading and adding more quotes
- There is no clear argument running through the essay, what is your point?
- very little focus on Topboy, I think we might need to alter the question
- Poor written English is holding you back. You are struggling to offer formal academic language (Tone/style)
Five things I will do or change for my second draft that will help me get there
- I am feeling to alter my question so that my research will match my essay more, this will make my points that I have created more accurate.
- I am planning to write in more formal and better English to improve my essay grade, I noticed that that I made many clumsy mistakes with my vocabulary making sound less formal and less academic.
- I will be adding more research to my essay so I can add more footnotes and increase the size of my bibliography because there wasn't enough information.
- I am going to link every point I make back to Topboy because I didn't show a lot of contrast before in my past essay
- Finally I am going to introduce my quotes correctly and use the right content of punctuation, to make sure that my sentence structure is correct.
- I would like to find more quotes that relate and link well with Topboy, to improve my paragraphs in each part of my essay
- I am looking to find some good historical text within the representations of black males in the past, this will help me improve my 3rd paragraph in my essay
- Looking for any representations for Desmonds
- Gerorge Gerbner - Cultural Theory
